My Monsters

I can only justify what I know,
Only cry from what I feel
Leave me alone monsters,
I wish this wasn't real.

I feel as though I bring them on myself,
Inviting them one by one.

Maybe I'm too emotional,
Too susceptible; too full of feel.

I rarely get the courage, the confidence,
The push I need to fight, but when I do,
I'm still weak, crumbling at the knees.

I pick up a sword too big, too massive for me to hold,
I wish this would all get easier, and I could just be bold.

Leave me alone monsters, I don't want anymore pain,
My heart has become too weak for it, and my mind has gone insane.

You follow me everywhere even to my home,
I try to leave you at the doorstep,
But you say you feel alone.

I'm tired of all this anger, this bitter suicide,
All built up inside of me, pushing me from side to side.

Maybe I should ask God to take you all away,
Tell him I'm sorry, and pray and pray and pray.

Perhaps then he will help me to see,
See the light of day.

Some Sketches

I love Nerds

Suicide 1929

He stood above the body of water, the harsh winds pulling him in. Albert Bradley is going to jump. It's 1929, and he lives in upstate New York. Albert breathed heavily as he looked down into a liquid black abyss. He wondered how long it would be till a G-man came and attempted to talk him out of this decision. Although it wouldn't make a difference; his mind had already been made up. In fact, inside, Albert believed, he was already dead.

The Friday before, Albert's wife shot and killed their five year old daughter Eliza Grace. He hasn't been outside in one week. He has been passing his days, hours, and minutes contemplating the different ways of suicide. Time was just as meaningless as his existence. He was hypnotized by grief, his soul was chained and tortured by anger. It was if he was frozen, unable to eat, speak or move with ease. Albert was weighed down by depression.

It was now that Albert stood above the rushing waters, bracing himself for his decision. It was a decision he knew he could never take back.

How I Got Cancer

Spring was beginning to reveal itself. The day was warm, and the snow began to melt, and form runoff. The water flowed furiously into the pond, while the grass waved winter goodbye. The light wind cooled my face, and blew through my hair. I smiled and squinted as the sun gleamed through the branches of the tall pines. I lay back and rested on the back of my chair. What was I afraid of? Why didn't I just face my fears? What was I even doing here? I'm not afraid of death, it must be, that I'm afraid of dying. There are no more lifelines. I'm going to die anyway. Suddenly I am overcome with an inexpressible sadness. My heart pierces with pain, and my eyes weigh heavy on my face. It's going to happen, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But God can end all this? So why doesn't he?

I lift my light sundress off my body, tearing it from my head. I am completely naked. I never thought life would take me here, to this moment. I walk slowly down to the edge of the still pond. I squint my eyes shut, then jump into the water.

City of Sin

Sudan is a city of sin. Whores walk around with no shame, baby's cry with no food, and boys like me are already carrying around sub machine guns. At a young age we have experienced death, begging for our own lives, and the ultimate sin of murder. I can't imagine what life was like before this happened, before the war. It is my job to guard the base and watch for intruders, my name is Liban and I am a child soldier.

She stares at me, waiting for me to invite her in. She look young, perhaps only sixteen. She is brave; she is so close to our base. She looks up at the hill, where our tents are. Everyone is asleep. I tell her to go. If I let her in, she will die. Tobi tells the guards to let the females in; they are entertainment and fun. She doesn't leave, she wants something inside.

"Go now", I whisper.
"Why?", She asked.
"You must let me in". I pause, if they let her in they will do what they want with her.
"There's nothing up there for you", I say gripping my gun tighter. The girl bites her lip and walks toward me. She is beautiful, her eyes are light brown, her skin is smooth.
"I am not a whore looking for money. I appreciate your concern, but I must get inside. I am looking for someone".
I can't help but laugh, "there are over twenty men with guns in that tent alone!" I say pointing up at the hill "do you really believe you can just find someone, and take them with you? Unharmed?"
She starts to cry; "I have no other choice! I gave him my word, he is my only living brother!" The girl looks down, then stares into my eyes "I will do anything to get him back. I am his only hope". She is serious. , even so I decided not to yield.
"If you go you will both die.", I say with a calm bluntness, "right now I am your only hope".

She promises to come back tomorrow. First she gazes at the tents one more time, she looks afraid, sad and vulnerable. "Goodbye", she snaps, "goodnight".
I hope she never comes back. I hope God saves her.

Don't Rain on My Parade

I've had enough. It's over. No more stress, no more pain, nor more hurt.
I don't deserve it anymore, that's what I say, and this is what I said:
"Don't you rain on my parade no more".

I took it for so long, let it hit me so hard, and finally I fell.
I buckeled under the pressure, melted with heat,
Until there was nothing more of me,
Nothing left to feed.

What happened to my innocence?
What happened to my carefree?
Everyone join me in a protest to fight for equality and happiness,
The revolution starts with me.

I march for love and the right to live,
I have been jailed for so long,
Imprisoned by guilt and power.
Today I broke free, and yelled out: "I have no more to give."

When it gets tough to cope, difficult to deal,
I remember; this is what I want,
This is what is real.

Only God can protect my body,
But I can protect my soul,
I can sheild and shelter it,
Then yell at the storm: "Don't rain on my parade no more!"

Finally I emerge, tears spilling from my eyes; it's done.
It's finished, I can breathe and patch my sores,
I get on my knees, and ask God;
"Please don't let him..Oh please don't let him rain on my parade no more."